this is so perfect there are no words <3
I’m really worried I’m going to offend you, but who the hell is Olly?
Well I haven’t updated for a little bit now. Honestly I don’t really know what to write. Everyday has been a battle, some days are better than others, but mostly I feel flat. I’m making mistakes all over the place and to be truthful I’m scaring myself. Mum and I continuously fight, which is exhausting. This morning - 6.13am, I was getting ready for uni whilst she yelled at me for missing supper last night. However I do love uni and it serves as the perfect distraction from the chaos my life is currently intrenched in. For the most part I’m eating 100% of my 3 meals, and some days when I feel stronger, I include a snack. My weight went up at my doctors appointment last Friday, but my dietician believes a fair amount was probably fake weight. I have another appointment next Monday. And I had my last dietician appointment this week, as I’m now being referred onto another specialised eating disorder dietetic service, which should be a great opportunity to get back to challenging myself again. My food is very similar each day, family dinner is really the only thing that changes, and I know that in the past, I’m fallen that trap before, so the sooner I start changing things up again the better. I’ll have a good chance to do that this week, S is coming up from Adelaide for a few days, and I always manage to feel utterly free of my eating disorder when in her company. It’s my birthday on Sunday, I’ll be 20, and despite being filled with sadness, that I’m in some ways worse off this year than I was last year, I’m excited to celebrate another year survived. In just under 2 weeks I’m having all my closest girls around for drinks and then we’ll go out, and for me that’s a huge deal, because this time last year, I didn’t really have any friends, being able to invite a bunch of girls over this time is something I’m really grateful for. And that’s about all really.
<3 thank you thank you thank you thank you
Thank you anon, you’re truly too kind.
It still hurts, knowing Mum doesn’t have one tiny bit of faith in me anymore, but I’m sure I can.
You are incredible.
I got a call from intake this morning at 9.31, it’s now 4.19pm and I still haven’t called them back. I’m far to anxious to call them back, too afraid of what they’ll say, whatever they say, it won’t matter, it’s all bad. In other news I have my doctors appointment in just under 2 hours, and I’m really not looking forward to it.
My psych came over today. We spoke about the pending discharge. I ended up breaking down, which I had promised myself I wouldn’t. I thought it would be humiliating crying to her about the fact she is leaving me, but in reality it was comforting. Not only was it a relief knowing she already knew I’d felt that way, and that it was entirely normal, but that it was hard for her too. We spoke a lot about what that means for me, and how far I’ve come. And although that is scary, we spoke about how for the first time in my life, I’m afraid to die, and that is what makes me strong now. I’m not longer afraid of the next 20, 30, 40 years, instead I’m excited, and determined to see them, the good and the bad. The fact that I’m no longer suicidal, no longer self harming or a risk to myself in regards to my depression, is a huge thing, and something I should be proud of. It will take me a while to get over this, to move on with my life, away from my depression and all the years of pain and misery, it will take me a while to move on from her, my rock in hard times. But I will, and slowly it will make sense, it will feel right.
We discussed what we are going to do for our last session, we’re going out somewhere, we’re tossing up between a meal out, afternoon tea, maybe going bowling. I know it’s going to be sad, but it’s just another step in my recovery from my debilitating depression that plagued me almost my entire life.
Now I just have to focus on recovering from my anorexia.
I was tagged by makemehealthyplease, and I’m so, so glad she did.
Porrige-princess’s My Body is my Best Bud Challenge!
treat your body like your best friend.
say nice things about it. don’t point out the things you hate, but find the things you love.
so join in with loving your body. post a picture with the caption ‘porridge-princess’s my body is my best bud challenge’, tell us what you love about your body, post these rules, tag #porridge-princess and #mybodyismybestbud and tag as many people as you like to do the same!
I chose this photo. This photo was taken on my last day of treatment, just under 3 months ago now. Here I was a healthy weight. But more importantly I was a happy weight. Because my body was happy, it allowed me to function normally. I love the weight I had on my body - my thighs, provided me with the energy to walk up stairs and home from uni, my stomach was comfortable to lie on at night and my arms allowed me to wash my hair or shower without feeling fatigued. My hair was long and thick, my face had colour and shape. I was able to fit into clothing that someone my age should be wearing. I didn’t want to post a photo of my body right at the moment, because I don’t love this body, it’s not mine, it’s foreign and sick, but I do love this one. I love it because it gave me everything, it forgave me when I’d done nothing but try to destroy it. I love my body, which is why I’m determined to get it healthy again.
I chose to tag j-ir, misgiven—thoughts, chronic—hope, dancing-with-despair, careandcuriositykilledthecat-de, dyingdais-y and I invite anyone else who wants to take up the challenge and give some love to your body.
This made my day. I forgot I wrote that online, you are 100% right, I now have the opportunity to do this the right way. You are so beautiful anon <3
I don’t feel comfortable putting my weight on the internet, if you come off anon I might be happy to share.
The class didn’t react. We are in partners and play out nurse and patient roles. At the end of the class the ‘nurse’ stands up and does a handover, just like what would occur in a real hospital. Once one person is done, the next stands up, there isn’t any conversation about it.
I didn’t believe it until I saw it. I stepped on the scale and all I felt was sadness.
I had class this morning and we are focusing on health assessment, which involved this week, measuring height and weight. I usually wouldn’t have stepped on the scale, but I think a part of me needed to know how bad it had really gotten, know it for myself. I’m tired of being told I’m sick, when I don’t feel as though I am. But not only the realisation, when my height was measured, that I’d grown, but that my weight was even lower than I had been told, frightened me. I have a new low weight. The shame hit me like a wave. I felt humiliated having my partner tell the class my BMI, that I was underweight, during handover. I feel so degraded, so pathetic. I could hardly concentrate. All I could think about was how badly I want to gain weight, how different I would feel being told my BMI was a healthy 20. I never imagined I’d want to hear someone say that. It was terrifying suddenly understanding just how sick I really was, I’m so desperate to be well again. I am so angry at myself, so overwhelmed with guilt. I’m miserable. This isn’t what I wanted yet I’m back here again.