I have felt so down this week, particularly at night time, it just seems to hit me, a wave of depression. I’m so tired…
Today has been another really long day.
I got my period back again (it’s been on and off for the last year), and once again it was excruciatingly painful, to the point where my tutor had to get me a cup after class for me to swallow down some panadol because I couldn’t move. It’s so hard getting your period back full stop, but with these pains, it really makes relapse so tempting. Mum is going to take me to the doctor and see what we can do. I think I’d like to just get rid of my period until I’m ready to have kids, but Mum isn’t so onboard with that one, she wants me having my period regularly for at least 6 months before we stop it.
Uni was challenging. We spent the morning feeding and bathing each other (I didn’t participate). And then we focused on BMI, and nutrition. My tutor got a scale out and said if we wanted to weigh ourselves we could. My head was screaming at me to step on that scale and get evidence that I’m overweight, that they all tricked me and I need to lose. It basically took half an hour of talking myself out of it, with “in a minute”, “in a minute”, “in a minute”, before she took it away and I could relax. It was so difficult, having a past of extreme obsessive weighing, the temptation was incredibly strong. But I’m so glad I didn’t step on that scale, I’m so glad that 10 months of work paid off, and I didn’t need that evidence, that a number didn’t matter like it used to, and I didn’t need a reason to relapse. I mean there is always going to be reasons that plague my mind, but deliberately stepping on a scale, is just throwing my life away all over again and I’ve worked far too hard to watch that happen. One of the girls when calculating her bmi (she’s really tall and thin, and I did a fb stalk, she’s always been that way), but she was like fuck my bmi is 16… I almost cried, all I could think is I almost killed myself for that bmi, and she gets it for nothing.
Throwing away food has become my main behaviour at the moment. I’ll eat everything put in front of me, but if I have to eat on my own, or outside of the house, it’s likely that food will end up at the bottom of a trash can, sometimes even the floor of a bus, in desperation. It’s been challenging having Mum home on holidays, so I suppose it’s just a waiting game, to see if that behaviour becomes less prevalent when she goes back to work next week. I’m not ignorant, I know I still have a lot of stuff to work on. Last night Mum lied to me when I asked her what was for dinner, because she knew I wasn’t going to like it (I haven’t liked this dish ever). Then she guilt tripped me telling me I was “shitting” in their “faces”, “giving into the eating disorder”, which was total bullshit. I even made up for it by getting another carb, so that eased the tension a little, but it’s really important to me that I can trust my Mum, otherwise I can’t fight the eating disorder when it tells me everyone is lying to me. I explained this to her and I think she got it, but it’s still a work in progress. I’ve got my first outpatient appointment on Thursday next week. I’ll be weighed which seems terrifying right now, but it’s essential to my recovering.
I went out with one of my best friends after uni today, he asked me if I needed to eat something, and I turned around and said “yeah”. He said that is the first time he’s seen me just accept I need to eat and do it. I got a muffin (new one I’ve never tried before) and a Wendy’s crush (another thing I’ve never had before). I ate my muffin in full without picking bits of it out and throwing it away). However an extreme guilt came after and I restricted a little today after. And now I’m just looking forward to an early night (due to the pain) and Sophie coming in two sleeps.
Today has been one of the hardest days I’ve ever had. I feel so down. I know I’ve left for the right reasons, but I mean how can you walk away from somewhere that saved your life, how can you watch the door close, knowing you’ll never go back, the place you called your home for 10 months, the place you felt safe and found happiness. I don’t want to believe this is real.