Today was full on. In the last 12 hours I managed to complete 2 uni assignments and clean my room (a.k.a - worlds most uninhabitable space). I feel so great knowing now I only have one more assignment, a hurdle and one more online test, and I have done all the course work for this semester. This time next week I’ll have it all done, then I can focus on my 2 week placement and when that’s finished my exams. I’m not too worried about exams to be honest, I’ve got pretty good marks throughout this Semester, so I don’t need much to pass the unit. I can’t believe I’ve almost made it through an entire year at university. When I first started at uni, I barely made it through 6 weeks.
I spent half an hour in bed this morning, wanting to get up, but being to afraid to. I knew that if I got up, I had to stand on that scale and face my disgustingly, expanding body. I was so convinced I had gained at least 2kg’s, but when I finally mustered up the courage to weigh myself, I’d actually lost weight. I can’t tell any of my treatment team I have a scale in my bedroom, they would take it away instantly. But for me it’s really useful, I can challenge myself and continue to push my intake higher, and be reassured that I am not gaining as much as my eating disorder tells me I am. I only weigh myself 3 times throughout the week, Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, so I know it’s not obsessive. If it gets out of control, I am willing to hand it over, but I know at the moment, I am not actively trying to lose weight, so it’s not an unhealthy behaviour for me to be engaging in. Instead it assists me in fighting the distorted cognitions that are thrown at me all day long.
I am now utterly exhausted, and looking forward to my well deserved day off tomorrow. I have no clue what I am going to do with myself all day long (I haven’t given myself a break from study in almost 3 months). However I know that my body is tired, especially my heart and really deserves a day of rest.
Well that was stupid.
Today in therapy, we talked a lot about my schooling, how challenging it was. And I decided I felt reminiscent and wanted to look over old conversations with my ‘old’ ‘friends’… Reading over the fights that lead to the eventual end of our friendship, honestly it hurt. I felt right back there.
I am such a fool.
I’ve decided I’m refusing to be weighed today. I have had enough of having to decide between the scale being ‘accurate’ and nourishing my body. I have huge issues around stepping on the scale with anything inside me, mostly because I don’t feel like my doctor or my Mum takes that into account, she believes I’m doing “better” when most of the time I’m not. I decided it was more important for me to eat today than it was for my to be weighed. I have weighed myself and I know my weight hasn’t gone down, so there is no need for concern. I want to be able to go home after uni and enjoy my egg sandwich, without weighing the sandwich or trying to figure out exactly how much liquid my body has retained through the day. I think whilst it’s important for my doctor to know my weight, it’s more important that I feel comfortable being weighed, and that it doesn’t cause me this much anxiety.
There really isn’t much to update on, I’ve just been drowning in uni assignments, trying to get on top of them before my hurdle and then my placement which is looming, just a week away now. I’ve got another psych appointment this afternoon, which I’m incredible anxious about, but it just means we are a step closer to coming up with a treatment plan, and that’s exactly what I need right now.
I don’t really feel like writing what he said, it’s something that I’m obviously pretty upset about and I’d feel embarrassed to repeat it. Sorry.
Today was both terrible and incredible.
I got up this morning, feeling really positive and motivated. I was in the car chatting away to Mum on the way to uni when I received an audio feedback file from my Psych Tutor. Basically from there on I was a mess. I was trying so hard to pull myself together in the car before I had to join my class. I was so hurt by a comment he made about me, in the end I removed myself, found a small space in a toilet cubicle away from any classes and sobbed. Uni is a lot harder then I ever imagined, and I love it so much, but there are some things I’m still not ready for, comments like that, certainly not.
After class I caught the bus to Chaddy and meet up with one of my closest friends, a butterfly girl. I can’t even describe how amazing it was, I managed to laugh more than I thought was even physically possible. It’s one of those incredible friendships where we never have nothing to talk about, and we just understand each other, I swear we are like on the same wave length or something. We got FroYo, which was so delicious! And then after a bit of shopping we went to the Oriental Tea House (a prior butterfly challenge meal) and enjoyed ourselves some delicious dumplings! I got the golden chicken dumplings and I swear, if I could weight restore off them, I’d really have no problem. She just reminded me of so many great memories, and kind of why I never want to go back to treatment again - I had such an amazing group of girls, the most supportive program, phenomenal workers and nothing to lose, I don’t want to tarnish that experience with a horrible inpatient stay or a less-helpful day program. I want to be out here living. I remember with tears falling from my face, my last day at butterfly, thanking butterfly for giving me my life back, and telling everyone there, how worth it recovery was. I need to start remembering that. It’s hard, harder than I even want to admit right now, but I have to have hope that I can be that happy again.
not killing myself is a personal achievement but you cant really brag about that at dinner parties
Thank you so much for this. You really have no idea how much it means to me. You are incredible! I am posting this on my wall as a permanent reminder that I WILL be okay eventually!
P.S - can’t believe I am getting a message from you, totally fan-girling.
I cancelled my doctors appointment this morning. I don’t know what is wrong with me at the moment, but I just do not need to sit in the clinic for half an hour waiting to see her, only to be told once again how badly I’ve fucked up my life. I can’t deal with it. And I so badly wanted breakfast, I just want to stay on track, and I knew my eating disorder wouldn’t let me have it before weigh in. I basically got told off by the receptionist, and I have no idea what I’m going to tell my Mum, she’ll just kill me. I just couldn’t do it this morning. I can’t believe how much of a mess I’ve made. I want to end my life just because I don’t feel as though I can get out of this.
I am so beyond grateful for the love and support you’ve given me darling girl. And that’s why I’m posting this on my wall and not answering privately, because I need this right now, I need to be reminded that I can get back to that Karlee. You are incredible <3
<3 thank you. It means more than you know!