1 hour ago . August 27, 2014

Got us some Falls tickets! @sarahporritt #sopumped

Got us some Falls tickets! @sarahporritt #sopumped

13 hours ago . August 27, 2014
1 note

Having to hold back the tears all night is exhausting. 

Things are beyond tough right now.

Physically I’m in unbelievable pain. Mentally I’m worse. 

I have no plans. No way out.

Stuck in the middle of what feels like hell. 

1 day ago . August 26, 2014
3 notes

It was beautiful and sunny today, a mild 19 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. After a cold winter it’s nice to feel the heat on my body which has suffered endlessly these past months. 

This weather makes me nostalgic. It reminds me of my times at butterfly, when I would head home after an exhausting day at the house, how I walked in the sunshine to the bus stop and make my way home. It reminds me of sitting on my deck having ice cream and blueberries and smiling because I was getting my life back. I’m still reminded that there were the tears and tantrums, but I feel so fond of that time because I felt so hopeful, my parents weren’t afraid anymore, I was getting help and I was starting to discover happiness even at a heavier weight. 

Sometimes I wish I could rewind a year.

3 days ago . August 23, 2014

Family birthday celebrations.

Family birthday celebrations.

5 days ago . August 22, 2014

A nice lunch out and a glass of mascato with my favs @annalieseprigg @sarahporritt

A nice lunch out and a glass of mascato with my favs @annalieseprigg @sarahporritt

5 days ago . August 21, 2014

Anonymous
Why can't you keep seeing your pysch :(

The service I’m with is for acutely unwell people, people who are at a great risk to themselves, i.e. actively suicidal. As I’m no longer experiencing suicidal thoughts and I haven’t had an attempt in over a year, I’m compliant with my medication and my mood has improved, the service can’t keep me any longer. Whilst it does upset me that I’m being left because I got “too well” and that almost seems unfair, I’ve come to terms with it, and realised that someone out there, like I did, needs that service, needs their help, and it would be selfish of me to hold onto the service just because I’m afraid to move on. Really it’s okay!

6 days ago . August 21, 2014
2 notes
I also did this today. Yes I know it isn’t enough, but I decided to sit down and have a calming cup of chai, and I saw a block of cadbury dairy milk crunchy chocolate and decided, heck, why not, and I did.

I also did this today. Yes I know it isn’t enough, but I decided to sit down and have a calming cup of chai, and I saw a block of cadbury dairy milk crunchy chocolate and decided, heck, why not, and I did.

6 days ago . August 21, 2014
3 notes

I had the best cry today. My psych came over and we chatted for a while, I teared up and shed a few tears, and then all of a sudden it hit me, everything I’ve been feeling for the past week and I sobbed. I sat there and cried, I don’t even think I made any sense really, but she was so understanding, and she let me cry, she didn’t try to fix it, she didn’t try to make it seem better or anything like that, she just sat there and let me cry. Sometimes I forget how incredible that woman is, and then things like today happen and I’m reminded. Gosh I’ll miss her when she leaves me. 

Oh and guys, today was my sisters 13th birthday. AND I ate a slice of ICE CREAM FREDDO CAKE for desert to celebrate it. Hells yes. You did read right, Ice cream cake, and damn it was delicious. 

Psychologically I’m such a mess right now. I’m crying at absolutely everything, I can’t manage a conversation with anyone without getting irritable or overwhelmed. I’m struggling hugely with depressive thoughts and symptoms. And overall I’m exhausted. I feel so hopeless, and drained. I don’t feel like I have any motivation to do anything, trying to get through this huge assignment due on Sunday feels impossible and I spend half the day just trying to get myself psyched up to start it. I’m so stressed about uni and how far behind this low mood is putting me. I feel like there is just so much to learn before my hurdle tests and I’m terrified I won’t pass. I had my doctors appointment this afternoon and my weight went down again, but not too much so it’s okay. I could hardly move my mouth trying to string one word to another and those into a sentence made me ache. I held back the tears as they came over and over again, I was so anxious to leave the room I kept my responses short and sat on the edge of my seat trying to hint I wanted to leave. She was hesitant about letting me go, I could tell, but in the end she smiled and told me to call if I needed. I tried calling my psych earlier this week, and before she could answer I’d hung up. I wrote a lengthy text to her, trying to convey how defeated I felt, how stuck I was. When she tried to call me back I just couldn’t muster the energy to pick up, and even since, to call her back. I have an appointment with her tomorrow and I’m becoming more and more aware how little time I have left with her, and how much there is I still need from her. I don’t want her to leave me, not when I’m feeling this vulnerable, I need her right now, I need her to help me through these feelings. Mum and I have been discussing inpatient treatment and I’ve spent the last few days looking at out of state treatment facilities, phoning them up and getting as much information as I can about their programs. There are a number of reasons I’m seeking out treatment in other states, most of which I don’t want to go into, but I feel that it will really benefit me, and there is one program particularly that sounds ideal for me and my recovery. I’ll finish off my uni trimester and head off once I’ve finished my exams. I’m still determined to do trimester 3 over the summer holidays, but I’m lucky I’ve chosen two subjects, both which can be done online/off campus, which will allow me to continue studying and perusing my goals, whilst getting the best treatment possible for my eating disorder. 

1 week ago . August 19, 2014

Anonymous
Giving in? To something good..or bad...? I hope you're doing okay. . x

At the time I thought treatment, going inpatient and now I’m just thinking giving into my eating disorder.

I’ll be fine. x

1 week ago . August 19, 2014

Anonymous
good luck on your date Karlee you will fine and I'm sure everything will go ok. And, even if it's a disaster, you are still amazing

Thank you, this was so kind and I did read it before the date, it made me feel a lot less anxious. The date was actually pretty good, it was really nice to feel like an adult for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately he is moving to the UK for 6 months this September so it’s unlikely it will go anywhere, but it’s been a good experience. 

1 week ago . August 16, 2014
9 notes

Okay Okay Okay Okay. I have a date tomorrow night. That’s right. Me! I have a date. With a boy. A real life boy. Who is so good looking. And then there is just me. What if he hates me. What if he laughs in my face. What if he wants to go home straight away. What if WHAT IF WHAT IF!!! Send help.

1 week ago . August 15, 2014
1,460 notes
"This is not
recovery,
this is
remission.
This is looking your death
in the mirrored eyes
daily,
smirking,
and walking away.
There is such
power
in your steps." —
Michelle K., Remission. (via michellekpoems)
1 week ago . August 14, 2014
3 notes
Hey remember when I had boobs and could actually wear a bra. Remember when I was comfortable sitting on my ass. Remember when I was happy and not destroying my parents lives. Remember when I thought this was over and I could live a normal life. LOL

Hey remember when I had boobs and could actually wear a bra. Remember when I was comfortable sitting on my ass. Remember when I was happy and not destroying my parents lives. Remember when I thought this was over and I could live a normal life. LOL

1 week ago . August 14, 2014
3 notes

I really don’t know how we are going to afford treatment for me this time, I’ve spent the morning on the phone to different services, public has nothing to offer me and private is just so expensive and even top private health insurance won’t cover the amount of help I will need. This is the most frustrating thing, and the anger just keeps building up inside me, furious that I let myself get here. Stepping on the scale this morning and seeing that number go down for the first time in 3 weeks terrified me, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. I’m trying so hard but nothing is good enough anymore. I want to give up.