Just a quick update, while I have the chance to write about it. I had a really awful night, I cried and cried like I hadn’t in a long time and all I could think about was wanting to hurt myself. So I found some extra medication and took double my dosage. It wasn’t a deliberate overdose as such, I just needed to forget, I needed to sleep. The effects have only just started wearing off, after spending most of the day in bed sleeping or watching tv. I feel better today. I made sure I had 100% of my meal plan, which helped enforce confidence in myself and I think I’ll be fine. I think it’s suddenness just frightened me, not having experienced such strong thoughts in months now. I’ll write more about my week tomorrow.
I haven’t been this suicidal in months and it is really frightening me. I have such high self harm urges. I didn’t take any of my meds today, so that won’t have helped. My self esteem is just so low today. I am pathetic. I have made so many stupid mistakes and I continue to be a fuck up. I just don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Please don’t make me wake up, please.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
So today was tough. It seems I’m doing well, I suppose I am. But mentally this is brutal. I cried through food and feelings. I’m so afraid. I don’t even see why I should have to gain any more unnecessary weight. It’s obvious I’m at my set point, my weight hasn’t moved in two months, and I’ve sat at this weight for months in the past. I just can’t help but think this must be it. Maybe it’s clouded by my desire to maintain here, my eating disordered thoughts which tell me if I get any bigger, I’ll look like I used to.. like a few more kilograms can make me look like what I did 4 years ago. I’m tired. I’m exhausted actually. It was such a struggle getting to program today. I lay in bed 40 minutes late, avoiding getting up. And the whole way there all I wanted was to go home. I feel sick, all this food inside me, and I’m genuinely over the taste of all food, I’m not enjoying anything I put inside my mouth. I’m hopeless and I know it. The only thing going for me is that Supernatural is back on and I’ve finished my intake for the day. 100% 6 days, and all I want is a break, a day where I don’t have to eat a thing.
Today has been one of those really tough days. But it’s over now. I shoved that yoghurt in my mouth and I had a bit of a cry. And now I get to go to bed, knowing I didn’t let my eating disorder win, again, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. 5 days.
I’m having a huge fight with my parents, and they decide to reignite the argument right through the middle of my supper. I’m half way through and I can’t bring myself to finish it. I’ve done 4 day 100% and I’m almost at 5, but I’m in tears and the last thing I want to do is put food in my mouth when I feel like this. Help.
My head is swamped right now. I feel like I’m free falling and there isn’t a thing that will stop me. I’m so panicked. And not having had this much pressure on me in over a year, I’m starting to realise just how thankful I am, I am healthy (or on my way) this time, because I never could have done this otherwise. I have a level of resilience that I never had before. I mean I’ve sobbed every single day from being so stressed out, but I’ve pulled myself up and reached out for help. This morning I seriously thought I was going to give up, pull out of uni and butterfly and just say forget it, I want to be sick again, but instead I called a friend (thank you so so much Liv), got what I could done, and left the rest till Monday.
I have to organise going to Adelaide next week to see my beautiful S, and so one of the girls (who is coming with me, road tripping) is coming over to plan tomorrow and we’ll head out for some lunch, so hopefully that’ll be a nice break from the stress.
So far I’ll need to be at uni on Wednesday and Thursday of this week, which isn’t the days I’ve agreed on with my worker, but I really cannot help it. It was a relief realising today that uni classes don’t actually start for another week, so I have a bit more time, but I’ve just got to make sure I don’t rely too much on that and end up with the same stress this time last week due to avoiding it.
By the way 4 days 100% of my meal plan. It is literally killing me. I’m quite literally forcing the food into my mouth, against every bodily urge which tells me to stop. I don’t want to do it, but I have to, I just have to suck it up and fucking do it, because I have no choice anymore. Psychically I’m exhausted, but I have to keep in mind the end goal - freedom.
100% three days motherfuckers.
I just made it through the second day of 100% of my meal plan. Five more to go.
I had what seemed like the worst treatment review this afternoon, 8 months into my treatment and I finally had to face the facts, I’m close to a healthy weight, and there is no backing down now. I’ve made an agreement, all for my own good, that if I can’t get to a BMI of 20 in two months then I have to leave butterfly. My weight hasn’t really been moving much over the last few months and my worker is concerned if I don’t get there soon, I never will. From day one in treatment, actually from day one of my eating disorder I’ve been afraid of this point, reaching that BMI of 20 and perhaps even going further. I cried and cried, begging her to let me stay where I am, convincing her that this must be my set point. I broke down completely, I started panicking and hyperventilating. Eventually after a lot of crying, talking through my fears and the stresses I’m facing, I admitted defeat and gave in. My goal was to weight restore, and I have to do that, if my BMI is lower than 20 naturally, my body will adjust. I never thought I could even get to this weight, and I have, so why the hell can’t I finish the job. My goal this week is to have 100% of my meal plan, and so long as I continue that over the next two months, I’ll have no meal plan increase and I’ll get to my goal weight, no problems. I have to stay strong. I said yesterday that what is good for me and what I want are two entirely different things, I don’t really want to get up to a weight any higher than this, but not only in terms of my psychically health, but also my mental health, it’s important I do, and it’s important I do it now, I have to stop putting it off, continuously trying to control my weight.
Honestly after all todays tears I am exhausted. I had my driving lesson and now I’m just going to relax in bed with an episode or two of burn notice.
Missing my beautiful S so damn much.