My waiting period to get my old instagram back is almost over, which means next Tuesday I’ll have to decide whether or not I want to keep my new instagram, or return to my old one.
Does anyone have any advice?
Whilst I like my new account and I’ve kind of made a fresh start there, I have so many photos and memories attached with the other account, and it was such a big part of me, that letting go seems too hard.
Help. Please and thank you.
Having a very bad body image day.
I could sob myself to sleep.
The eating disorder is screaming at me for basically having maintained my weight for the last 3 months, 3 months in which it would rather have had me lose weight.
I have one exam left tomorrow, and my anxiety is very high tonight.
I don’t really know what’s going to keep me motivated on days like today when I don’t have uni exams. It scares me.
Aw thanks gorgeous, and I’m sending it right back your way <3
It was my silly eating disorder that interpreted it like that, it was silly and doesn’t even make sense.
Thanks gorgeous xxx
You are incredible Liv, whilst I couldn’t believe it at the time, I know you are right when you say all that you have. BUT please try to remember this also. I love you more darling girl xx
When you graduate from high-school
and you are still counting calories,
exercising obsessively or
hugging toilet bowls
having an eating disorder is no longer a novelty.
When you hit your twenties
and your friends are busy; studying and socialzing
while you become more and more isolated,
alone with your eating disorder
suddenly being ‘unique’ is no longer desirable.
As your 30th birthday approaches
and others celebrate careers, families and travel
while you struggle
to find something to commemorate
suddenly you start to see
that having an eating disorder has become a liability.
By the time you are in your forties
you come to the painful realization
that more than half your life
has been spent
avoiding all the dreams and hopes
that you once had
And you finally start to see,
that all of these years that have been spent
exercising obsessively or
hugging toilet bowls
has meant that you really haven’t been living at all.
I am feeling so good within myself at the moment. Over the last week I’ve made huge changes to my life, most of them are simple things, but the positivity it has bought to each day is proof enough that I need to continue making these active changes.
Whilst depression isn’t a choice, an eating disorder isn’t something you decide to develop and anxiety isn’t something I asked for - I chose to get up every morning and make good things happen in my life.
And I had strawberries dipped in melted chocolate today, so I mean how could I not be in a good mood.
when you hate your legs
remember that they carried you through the hardest parts of your life. they get you out of bed every day and take you to what you love.
when you hate your stomach
remember that it helped you gain strength. it holds the memories of deep laughter and great meals. it is full of warmth and joy.
when you hate your arms
remember that they are strong, which makes you strong. but they are also soft and can be used to cuddle and hold the ones you love.
Friday night when I visited my doctor, the scale said that I had gained weight, around 800g. Saturday morning Mum watched me as I weighed myself on my scale, and funnily enough I had actually lost a tiny bit of weight. It’s terrible but it did help calm my anxiety knowing that I hadn’t in fact gained almost a kilo on my current intake. Mum unlike me wasn’t as coolheaded as I had been. We had a long discussion about my weight and she has come to the conclusion that I need to be at (xx)kgs before I go to the Philippines, or she will “not let me out of her sight”. As far as I’m concerned the amount of weight she wants me to gain is almost impossible, and exceeds any weight gain I was ever expected to make at butterfly within the time frame. I am nervous I am going to have to start faking my weight, because I can’t reason with her about this, I’m hoping my doctor will agree on a lower weight, a more achievable number.
Last night I went out for dinner with two of my best friends. It was so great, we laughed and joked about boys over curly fries and chicken tenders. After dinner we went and got desert, big fresh plump strawberries dipped in melted chocolate (salivating right now) before heading into the suburbs to a lookout over the city Melbourne. We sat in the car with Coldplay playing, overlooking this beautiful city, talking about life, our hopes and dreams and about our feelings. It was like those sleepovers you would have as a young child, where you would stay up all night long talking, but so much better. I felt at such peace within myself. We were talking about what we wish we knew about the future, my friend started by saying “I wish I knew who I was going to marry”, and eventually I spoke up and said “I wish I knew that the worst was behind me, that it only gets better from here”. The girls both turned to me and said they believed it was, that I’ve come so far. One of the girls, complicated - but her boyfriends step sister is friends with a girl I was in hospital with. Apparently this friend told her that “Karlee has come the furthest in her recovery out of all of us, she is such an inspiration”. Tears ran from my eyes. Then we went and got McDonalds McFlurry’s guys.
This morning I woke up determined. Today I ate:
It was a beautiful day, 28degrees Celsius so Dad and I took the dogs for a walk tonight which has left me feeling so wonderful and relaxed.
I have my exams in just under 40 Hours and I am nervous, but I’m going to feed myself and stay in control of these emotions, not let that eating disorder get in my way.
I’m feeling positive right now and there is no way I am letting this eating disorder fuck that up. Big smiles!
I was having such a fantastic day.
I woke up and had 100% of my breakfast for the first time in months.
I went outside and ate in the sunshine.
I did my study in the lounge room rather than my bed.
I then took a nap out in the sun, got some colour on my skin and did some gentle yoga before lunch.
I felt so positive about everything, in such a good frame of mind. So motivated to recover.
Then I had my doctors appointment at 6pm.
I gained 800g, and whilst I was trying not to freak out, attempting to keep in mind the fact I had eaten and drunk all day long, my doctor was so happy with me. My postural drop was hardly there and my heart rate only jumped by 11bpm. She said “this is evidence your body likes sitting at this weight”. Even though my BMI is still significantly underweight, she thinks my body likes sitting here, and I can’t help but agree. My body likes this weight, and therefore I should not gain anymore weight. I quite literally want to stake myself, I feel that distressed by the whole situation. If I am going to gain weight, I want to be gaining on 100% of my weight gain meal plan, not on this intake. Mum agreed she would let me weigh myself on my scale again tomorrow morning, I just don’t know how I’ll cope in the meantime/if it actually has gone up.
I had an interesting day today - certainly struggled a lot more than I had yesterday, but I continued to push myself even harder.
I had a psych appointment today and she’s been doing a lot of tests/research on me. She always gives me feedback on what the tests indicate and today she told me that one of the recent tests I undertook showed that I had very high levels of body dissatisfaction, she said “similar to those we’d see in a hospital settings”, which shocked me a little. We had a very intense session and she basically pulled apart every word that came out of my mouth, giving me a lot of insight into my thought processes.
After Mum and I went up to the shops which ended with Mum banging her fist on the service desk and screaming at the attendant, and me making a very angry phone call, complaining about the shocking way in which she treated me. It was actually incredibly funny seeing my Mum get that angry at someone.
I’m feeling more and more stressed about my exams, I feel as though I’m no where near prepared and tomorrow is Friday. I’ve had since last Friday to study and here I am, 5 days away from my exams, a complete mess. I’d be surprised if I passed honestly. My energy levels are just so low at the moment, I start doing some study and then have to take a nap because I’m literally that drained of energy. But it really shouldn’t be an excuse, I have to get my act together, pull my socks up, and start studying my ass off. Sometimes I question why I took on this double degree with an eating disorder, social and emotional problems, being a lazy procrastinating perfectionist - it really all makes this too hard sometimes.
hell yeahhhh :)