12 hours ago . April 20, 2014
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Losing our sugar free slurpee virginity @sophiasara

Losing our sugar free slurpee virginity @sophiasara

12 hours ago . April 20, 2014

Lentil as anything for lunch with @sophiasara #betterthensex

Lentil as anything for lunch with @sophiasara #betterthensex

2 days ago . April 18, 2014
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I have felt so down this week, particularly at night time, it just seems to hit me, a wave of depression. I’m so tired… 

Excuse my face in the first photo. This week I discharged from 10 months treatment for anorexia. I’ve finally accepted that I was unwell, I’m finally able to say it, even whilst my weight is out of the danger zone and I eat 3 meals a day. I can actually admit that this illness almost and still can take my life. I owe the butterfly day patient program for giving it back to me. I’m so thankful for all the friends who stood by me, and gave me a second chance. I’m grateful for my family, both immediate and extended, those who saw through the illness and supported me every step of the way. Most of all I need to give credit to the people who I’ve spent the past 10 months with, both from betrs, and butterfly. Along with the staff at butterfly, I can thank my beautiful butterfly sisters also for giving me my life back. These girls sat by me, listened to my darkest thoughts and watched as the tears ran down my face. They helped inspire me with every challenge they undertook, and supported me with every challenge I attempted. They celebrated my successes, and even when I failed, those girls were there to pick me up, always managing to put a smile or a little laughter into my day. I’m going to miss our madness and the fun we did have even through the hell. I’m moving on with my life, and I’m never going back. Recovery is the only thing I want now. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, not only physically but mentally. I was miserable, never thin enough, I had nothing. I’m finally finding happiness in life. And yes most days I don’t like my body, and I feel uncomfortable in my new skin, but I’ve gained so much more than weight in the last 10 months… Recovery is worth it, it’s possible. #cheesypostalert #recovery #edrecovery #butterfly

Excuse my face in the first photo. This week I discharged from 10 months treatment for anorexia. I’ve finally accepted that I was unwell, I’m finally able to say it, even whilst my weight is out of the danger zone and I eat 3 meals a day. I can actually admit that this illness almost and still can take my life. I owe the butterfly day patient program for giving it back to me. I’m so thankful for all the friends who stood by me, and gave me a second chance. I’m grateful for my family, both immediate and extended, those who saw through the illness and supported me every step of the way. Most of all I need to give credit to the people who I’ve spent the past 10 months with, both from betrs, and butterfly. Along with the staff at butterfly, I can thank my beautiful butterfly sisters also for giving me my life back. These girls sat by me, listened to my darkest thoughts and watched as the tears ran down my face. They helped inspire me with every challenge they undertook, and supported me with every challenge I attempted. They celebrated my successes, and even when I failed, those girls were there to pick me up, always managing to put a smile or a little laughter into my day. I’m going to miss our madness and the fun we did have even through the hell. I’m moving on with my life, and I’m never going back. Recovery is the only thing I want now. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, not only physically but mentally. I was miserable, never thin enough, I had nothing. I’m finally finding happiness in life. And yes most days I don’t like my body, and I feel uncomfortable in my new skin, but I’ve gained so much more than weight in the last 10 months… Recovery is worth it, it’s possible. #cheesypostalert #recovery #edrecovery #butterfly

Because apparently it’s been a hard day. #pippingram #120percentdonefortheday

Because apparently it’s been a hard day. #pippingram #120percentdonefortheday

3 days ago . April 17, 2014
2 notes

Today has been another really long day. 

I got my period back again (it’s been on and off for the last year), and once again it was excruciatingly painful, to the point where my tutor had to get me a cup after class for me to swallow down some panadol because I couldn’t move. It’s so hard getting your period back full stop, but with these pains, it really makes relapse so tempting. Mum is going to take me to the doctor and see what we can do. I think I’d like to just get rid of my period until I’m ready to have kids, but Mum isn’t so onboard with that one, she wants me having my period regularly for at least 6 months before we stop it.

Uni was challenging. We spent the morning feeding and bathing each other (I didn’t participate). And then we focused on BMI, and nutrition. My tutor got a scale out and said if we wanted to weigh ourselves we could. My head was screaming at me to step on that scale and get evidence that I’m overweight, that they all tricked me and I need to lose. It basically took half an hour of talking myself out of it, with “in a minute”, “in a minute”, “in a minute”, before she took it away and I could relax. It was so difficult, having a past of extreme obsessive weighing, the temptation was incredibly strong. But I’m so glad I didn’t step on that scale, I’m so glad that 10 months of work paid off, and I didn’t need that evidence, that a number didn’t matter like it used to, and I didn’t need a reason to relapse. I mean there is always going to be reasons that plague my mind, but deliberately stepping on a scale, is just throwing my life away all over again and I’ve worked far too hard to watch that happen. One of the girls when calculating her bmi (she’s really tall and thin, and I did a fb stalk, she’s always been that way), but she was like fuck my bmi is 16… I almost cried, all I could think is I almost killed myself for that bmi, and she gets it for nothing.

Throwing away food has become my main behaviour at the moment. I’ll eat everything put in front of me, but if I have to eat on my own, or outside of the house, it’s likely that food will end up at the bottom of a trash can, sometimes even the floor of a bus, in desperation. It’s been challenging having Mum home on holidays, so I suppose it’s just a waiting game, to see if that behaviour becomes less prevalent when she goes back to work next week. I’m not ignorant, I know I still have a lot of stuff to work on. Last night Mum lied to me when I asked her what was for dinner, because she knew I wasn’t going to like it (I haven’t liked this dish ever). Then she guilt tripped me telling me I was “shitting” in their “faces”, “giving into the eating disorder”, which was total bullshit. I even made up for it by getting another carb, so that eased the tension a little, but it’s really important to me that I can trust my Mum, otherwise I can’t fight the eating disorder when it tells me everyone is lying to me. I explained this to her and I think she got it, but it’s still a work in progress. I’ve got my first outpatient appointment on Thursday next week. I’ll be weighed which seems terrifying right now, but it’s essential to my recovering. 

I went out with one of my best friends after uni today, he asked me if I needed to eat something, and I turned around and said “yeah”. He said that is the first time he’s seen me just accept I need to eat and do it. I got a muffin (new one I’ve never tried before) and a Wendy’s crush (another thing I’ve never had before). I ate my muffin in full without picking bits of it out and throwing it away). However an extreme guilt came after and I restricted a little today after. And now I’m just looking forward to an early night (due to the pain) and Sophie coming in two sleeps. 

4 days ago . April 15, 2014
1 note
Apparently my pets didn’t get the memo this was a humans bed. Cheers guys.

Apparently my pets didn’t get the memo this was a humans bed. Cheers guys.

5 days ago . April 15, 2014
2 notes

Today has been one of the hardest days I’ve ever had. I feel so down. I know I’ve left for the right reasons, but I mean how can you walk away from somewhere that saved your life, how can you watch the door close, knowing you’ll never go back, the place you called your home for 10 months, the place you felt safe and found happiness. I don’t want to believe this is real.

5 days ago . April 15, 2014
2 notes
Wrote my goodbye message on the horses ass because I can. #thanksbfly

Wrote my goodbye message on the horses ass because I can. #thanksbfly

Some of the incredible girls who helped save my life, and of course celebrate my last day at butterfly full of fun and not without a sing-a-long or two. Words cannot even describe how much I’ll miss these angels. I’m so lucky to call them my butterfly sisters. Love you all xx #recovery #butterflybabes #butterfly #goodbyeed

Some of the incredible girls who helped save my life, and of course celebrate my last day at butterfly full of fun and not without a sing-a-long or two. Words cannot even describe how much I’ll miss these angels. I’m so lucky to call them my butterfly sisters. Love you all xx #recovery #butterflybabes #butterfly #goodbyeed

6 days ago . April 14, 2014
1 note
My girl @flyingdreams8 and my double Disney discharge day tomorrow. Can’t believe this is it. #sodrunkhere #loveyougurl

My girl @flyingdreams8 and my double Disney discharge day tomorrow. Can’t believe this is it. #sodrunkhere #loveyougurl

6 days ago . April 14, 2014

Today was exhausting. I haven’t cried that much in a key support meeting in so long. The tears just streamed from my face and I sobbed, worn out. Some days fighting this is just impossible.

1 week ago . April 13, 2014
1 note
Anonymous
I just wanted to say that I am soooo amazed at what you have been able to achieve, you are honestly one of the strongest people that I know! You are such a beautiful person inside and out and deserve nothing but wonderful things! :) xx

Thank you so much, but really it is something that anyone can do, it’s taken a lot of work and a lot of commitment, giving my all to recovery, that is all it takes. Come off anon you wonderful person! 

I think the hardest thing about leaving butterfly is having to leave behind these girls + Chloe. #doihavetodischarge #takingthemwithme #newplanguys #loveyouall #bflysisters

I think the hardest thing about leaving butterfly is having to leave behind these girls + Chloe. #doihavetodischarge #takingthemwithme #newplanguys #loveyouall #bflysisters

1 week ago . April 12, 2014

Anonymous
You are such an amazing person! The fact that you chose a job like that is really kind of you and i wish you all the luck in the world. I'm glad to see you getting better and better with each passing day! I hope you'll have a very fulfilling life!

Thank you. I hope the same for you xx