Tonight I’ve made a decision, one that certainly hasn’t been easy. It’s not permanent but after I post this, I’m giving my friend my password and taking a break from tumblr. By no means am I leaving my blog or the community, I am determined to remain here, it’s been a huge support for me in times of need, it’s been my journal, my outlet and most of all a safe place.
Where I am at the moment in my journey, is incredibly confusing and I’m very unsettled by that. I’m struggling trying to find my way, I don’t have any answers, but I do have to find a way to move on from this, I owe it to myself to give it a go. I need to separate my recovery from everyone else’s. I need to start focusing on me. I have to stop looking at others and constantly comparing myself to their recovery, their relapse, their bodies, their thoughts and all the rest. At the end of the day I have to live with this disorder day in day out, and if I don’t start putting my recovery first I will have to live with it until I eventually die. I’m not prepared to do that. I have to remember what MY weight is, what MY BMI is, what MY health mentally and physically is, NOT compared to the rest of tumblr, but compared to what I used to be like. I’ve really started thinking about what influences and fuels my disorder and I don’t blame tumblr, I blame myself for following the people I do. Whilst I’m not strong enough yet to unfollow those people, I am strong enough to step away for a bit and reevaluate my own needs and desires.
Look honestly this may only last 24 hours, and I completely understand if people unfollow me. So here’s hoping I come back stronger and happier.
Having to hold back the tears all night is exhausting.
Things are beyond tough right now.
Physically I’m in unbelievable pain. Mentally I’m worse.
I have no plans. No way out.
Stuck in the middle of what feels like hell.
It was beautiful and sunny today, a mild 19 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. After a cold winter it’s nice to feel the heat on my body which has suffered endlessly these past months.
This weather makes me nostalgic. It reminds me of my times at butterfly, when I would head home after an exhausting day at the house, how I walked in the sunshine to the bus stop and make my way home. It reminds me of sitting on my deck having ice cream and blueberries and smiling because I was getting my life back. I’m still reminded that there were the tears and tantrums, but I feel so fond of that time because I felt so hopeful, my parents weren’t afraid anymore, I was getting help and I was starting to discover happiness even at a heavier weight.
Sometimes I wish I could rewind a year.
The service I’m with is for acutely unwell people, people who are at a great risk to themselves, i.e. actively suicidal. As I’m no longer experiencing suicidal thoughts and I haven’t had an attempt in over a year, I’m compliant with my medication and my mood has improved, the service can’t keep me any longer. Whilst it does upset me that I’m being left because I got “too well” and that almost seems unfair, I’ve come to terms with it, and realised that someone out there, like I did, needs that service, needs their help, and it would be selfish of me to hold onto the service just because I’m afraid to move on. Really it’s okay!
I had the best cry today. My psych came over and we chatted for a while, I teared up and shed a few tears, and then all of a sudden it hit me, everything I’ve been feeling for the past week and I sobbed. I sat there and cried, I don’t even think I made any sense really, but she was so understanding, and she let me cry, she didn’t try to fix it, she didn’t try to make it seem better or anything like that, she just sat there and let me cry. Sometimes I forget how incredible that woman is, and then things like today happen and I’m reminded. Gosh I’ll miss her when she leaves me.
Oh and guys, today was my sisters 13th birthday. AND I ate a slice of ICE CREAM FREDDO CAKE for desert to celebrate it. Hells yes. You did read right, Ice cream cake, and damn it was delicious.
Psychologically I’m such a mess right now. I’m crying at absolutely everything, I can’t manage a conversation with anyone without getting irritable or overwhelmed. I’m struggling hugely with depressive thoughts and symptoms. And overall I’m exhausted. I feel so hopeless, and drained. I don’t feel like I have any motivation to do anything, trying to get through this huge assignment due on Sunday feels impossible and I spend half the day just trying to get myself psyched up to start it. I’m so stressed about uni and how far behind this low mood is putting me. I feel like there is just so much to learn before my hurdle tests and I’m terrified I won’t pass. I had my doctors appointment this afternoon and my weight went down again, but not too much so it’s okay. I could hardly move my mouth trying to string one word to another and those into a sentence made me ache. I held back the tears as they came over and over again, I was so anxious to leave the room I kept my responses short and sat on the edge of my seat trying to hint I wanted to leave. She was hesitant about letting me go, I could tell, but in the end she smiled and told me to call if I needed. I tried calling my psych earlier this week, and before she could answer I’d hung up. I wrote a lengthy text to her, trying to convey how defeated I felt, how stuck I was. When she tried to call me back I just couldn’t muster the energy to pick up, and even since, to call her back. I have an appointment with her tomorrow and I’m becoming more and more aware how little time I have left with her, and how much there is I still need from her. I don’t want her to leave me, not when I’m feeling this vulnerable, I need her right now, I need her to help me through these feelings. Mum and I have been discussing inpatient treatment and I’ve spent the last few days looking at out of state treatment facilities, phoning them up and getting as much information as I can about their programs. There are a number of reasons I’m seeking out treatment in other states, most of which I don’t want to go into, but I feel that it will really benefit me, and there is one program particularly that sounds ideal for me and my recovery. I’ll finish off my uni trimester and head off once I’ve finished my exams. I’m still determined to do trimester 3 over the summer holidays, but I’m lucky I’ve chosen two subjects, both which can be done online/off campus, which will allow me to continue studying and perusing my goals, whilst getting the best treatment possible for my eating disorder.
At the time I thought treatment, going inpatient and now I’m just thinking giving into my eating disorder.
I’ll be fine. x
Thank you, this was so kind and I did read it before the date, it made me feel a lot less anxious. The date was actually pretty good, it was really nice to feel like an adult for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately he is moving to the UK for 6 months this September so it’s unlikely it will go anywhere, but it’s been a good experience.
Okay Okay Okay Okay. I have a date tomorrow night. That’s right. Me! I have a date. With a boy. A real life boy. Who is so good looking. And then there is just me. What if he hates me. What if he laughs in my face. What if he wants to go home straight away. What if WHAT IF WHAT IF!!! Send help.